Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Replay, replay, replay...

I love music. One of my favourite songs is bittersweet. I listened to it a lot for one line when a boyfriend and I were planning a wedding, Someday I'm gonna make you my wife...I used to get goose bumps (would you like-a to feel mah goose-a bumps LOL) just thinking about being his wife.

Well...all's well that end's well. :P We're not getting married, I'm not going to be his wife, but I still enjoy the song. One part of the song stands out at me right now.

Shawty's like a melody in my head
That I can't keep out, got me singin' like
Na, na, na, na everyday
It's like my iPod's stuck on replay, replay

Though the circumstances may be different it seems that we're living the same situations over and over again. Our iPod of life is definitely stuck on replay. :P

Weeks ago I was living in fear (and sin) because of my life circumstances and I could not drag myself out of my own dispair. The L-rd showed me a way out and it was only then I was able to breathe right again. I should have just realised that He was going to show me a way out to begin with and saved myself all the stress.

During this trial my 11 year old son kept patting my head and telling me that everything was going to be okay, G-d wasn't going to make us live in a box, and if He did it was be a nice box. :) . His faith and his strength got me through this trial and I thank G-d for him everyday. He's a good kid. :D

Now this same child is going through a trial that isn't a big one, but to his 11 year old heart it is. He cries himself to sleep, he worries with the deep concentration of an 80 year old man, and one can almost hear his heart breaking.

Ecclesiastes 1: 8-10 tells us, All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing. What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. Is there anything of which one can say, “Look! This is something new”? It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time.

Someone else has been through the exact same trials as Jordan. Someone else has felt the same pain he's dealing with. Someone else has gotten through this trial and whether it was with His guidance or not I don't know. But he got through it. Jordan is luckier than some people. He has the promise that through Yeshua he can get through all things. And he has the promise that G-d will never leave him nor forsake him. And he has the assurance that no matter what happens in his 11 year old life, G-d is in control and He will not fail him. How lucky is Jordan!?

I just wish Jordan would focus on this more than the trial he's going through. He has no clue how easy things are going for him now and if he could just focus on that... Guess I should save that advice for myself, huh? :P Well, Jordan, with G-d's guidance got me through my trials so I, with G-d's guidance, am going to get Jordan through his. What kind of mommy would I be if I didn't? :)

My final words are for Jordan only and somday he'll see this and know exactly what I'm talking about and realise how amazing G-d truly is. :)

I love...dew.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


One of my favourite movies is The Replacements starring Keanu Reeves. There are so many wonderful lines from that movie.

“Keep them from shaking their ass for two minutes!”

“Clifford Franklin is looking for a new ho!”

“California oranges, Texas cactus. We think your team needs a little practice!”

“Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory…is forever.”

“Red means STOP.”

“I love to see a fat guy score…you get a fat guy spike and a fat guy dance.”

I could go on and on. I never tire of this movie. :P

One thing that always gets to me about this movie is the locker room talk. Coach McGinty writes on the chalkboard in big letters FEAR and asks the players to discuss their fears.

The answers start of humourous…spiders, bees, heights…etc., etc. Then one person pipes up and says “quicksand”.

At first everyone’s thinking the literal quick sand in the jungles. Then the coach asks for clarification.

In the words of the player, Shane Falco, “You're playing and you think everything is going fine. Then one thing goes wrong. And then another. And another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight, the deeper you sink. Until you can't move... you can't breathe... because you're in over your head. Like quicksand.”

I didn’t understand this concept until I feel like I’m in over my head with life and I can’t breathe. I literally feel like a giant is sitting on my chest and I’m gasping for air.

Quicksand does not creep up on us. We step in it…whether deliberately or because we weren’t paying attention we end up putting ourselves in the position to sink.

Devil’s Snare. It’s a fictitious weed people get ensnared in. The more one struggles the faster and harder the weed will constrict. If one is calm and does not fret he has a greater chance of freeing himself.

Quicksand and Devil’s Snare are life altering situations that can make or break a person. Some people will resort to suicide just to avoid the suffering. Some will wallow in self pity…others will simply die waiting for help to arrive not realizing there was a tool available to assist them.

A couple of weeks ago we discussed worry and how it’s a sin and I was pleased to have this brought to light because many times in my life things will be going on and I hear, “Why aren’t you worried about this? What’s wrong with you?” I have never been a worrier. Why worry? Give it to G-d and He’ll take care of it. If it were in His nature He’d worry for you. :P

Matthew 6 is very clear on worry. Matthew 6: 25-34 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

We are told not to worry. We are told to take heart and allow for His gloury to work because it will. It is completely human nature to worry about things. Parent worry about their children, spouses worry about each other…adults worry about finances and whatnot. THIS. IS. SIN. We are told specifically NOT to worry.

Psalm 55:22 tells us to: Cast your cares on the L-RD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

Even when we do feel shaken we are to turn towards Him for relief, for peace, and for contentment so He will get the gloury for it.

I may be walking through a dark valley with a blindfold on, but He’s holding my hand and getting me through it.

Psalm 23:4 & 6 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the L-RD for ever.

Thank you Father…for everything You have ever done and everything I know You’re going to do. Your grace is full of mercy and for that I praise You.

Monday, February 21, 2011

What am I really worth?

So I'm lying in bed tonight distraught because I haven't heard from Chad. Again.

He works so hard, and does so much that I don't begrudge him this at all. I understand how life works and I'll be honest...there have been times I've been too busy to talk to him too. That's just the way things work sometimes.

The problem isn't that he's busy; the problem is I feel such self doubt in myself about it.

How can I be a child of the King and and heir of His Kingdom but feel so unworthy and unloved here on earth? How can I continue to go through life and distrust everyone I meet?

There are times when I want to break up with Chad because I don't feel I'm ready to accept what he feels for me. He tells me how he feels, he shows me how he feels, and yet...I still doubt it. How can someone love so much about me when I can't see what he sees?

Why is this? What is so wrong with me that I can't even accept love when it's given to me?

There have been times in my life when I felt that nothing on this earth would change with my disappearance and I still hold to that thought. I know for sure it will be horrible for Jordan so I don't even think about leaving everyone. If I did I would just take him with me and run away to Egypt or something. :P

I know there are verses upon verses in the Bible that tells how much He loves us and never once do I doubt it. My doubt comes from those here on earth.

I have no clue what to do about this...*sigh* I do know if I don't figure it out soon I'm going to kill a great relationship and lose someone who could be very dear to me.

Not to mention it's a horrible example for my children. How can I teach them to love themselves when I don't even love myself? Or feel there are those who love me?

I have learned many hard lessons about love and brick walls and hiding myself from those who do love me. Chad had the guts and the desire to get through that wall of mine and now that he's inside he doesn't want to leave...I don't want him to leave either. So I my quest to keep others out have I done too good of a job?

This weeks to figure out what I'm really worth: not only in Heaven but here on earth.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Think OUTSIDE the box!

I learned tonight why I have such a hard time reading the gospels.

I am a linear thinker and can't think outside the box. How does Yeshua preach? In parables! Yikes! I can't think that way. All I can do is see His words and take them literally.

I was sitting in life group tonight and listening to everyone give examples to the parables and each time someone said something I was like, "ooooohhhhhh...THAT'S what that meant." IQ dropped a few points tonight. *rolling my eyes*

I hear frequently that I need to think outside the box more and this is one wonderful example as to why.

This could also be why Jordan has such a grasp on scripture because he can take what he reads and hears and apply it accordingly.

Lucky. :P

So do you have something hindering your ability to read and understand scripture? What do you do about it? What do you plan to do about it?


Friday, February 11, 2011

Down on My Knees

It's funny how I cruise through life and thank G-d everyday for all of the blessings He's given me, but for some odd reason I don't prostrate myself to Him until I feel I have to.

I talk to Him daily, I listen to His guidance, and I follow His voice even when I completely disagree.

I pray daily for wisdom when I become my own worst enemy but somehow or another my ears shut and my heart is void.

When my back is to the wall and my toes are hanging off the edge of the cliff I know that when I fall He will catch me or give me wings to fly.

Why do I allow myself to get to that point? Why do I push myself to that far limit only to face the extreme?

Many of the problems in my life are self inflicted. I go wide eyed into situations and just "pray" them away because I know He is there for me and no matter what happens He will get the praise and gloury for everything He does.

I have learned this week what it feels like to be a terrible parent. Not by attitude or neglect, but by lack of guidance and setting a poor example.

I have relied on His grace to set me free and sometimes it's not that easy. Sometimes our sins will take hold of us and we face consequences we never thought possible.

My heart breaks to know that because of my lack of restraint and inability to seek wisdom and guidance not only from Him, but from those He places in my life that my children will suffer greatly.

How is that acceptable to any parent? How are my actions acceptable?

I have a wonderful relationship with my Father and somehow or another I just can't seem to swallow myself and allow Him to guide me the way I need to follow.

I trust Him, I believe Him, I know He is the Almighty and I love Him with all my heart.

I know that no matter what happens G-d will take care of my children and I know He will continue to love me.

I have sinned by not accepting my responsibilities and by living carefree when I should have been careful.

I will not sin by fearing my future because no matter my mistakes He will provide our needs and whether that's where we are now, or somewhere else it will be for His gloury.

Brothers and sisters, keep us in your prayers. Keep me in your prayers.

It shouldn't take a shock like this for me to straighten up but I'm learning more and more when it comes to those I love I live in denial.

I deny my need to be honest with myself, I deny others the truth of my heart, and I deny us all the peace we could have if I would just open up.

Father, I open my heart and mind up to you. I pray that you will place your comforting hand on the boys through this trial and fill me with wisdom and humility to accept the consequences of my sin.

You are an amazing G-d and I want to do you proud as your Princess. Please don't just give me wisdom Father, please help me to accept it and use it throughout my life. Help me to better weigh out consequences so that I am a better steward of your blessings.

Please allow me to take this opportunity to teach the boys that material things are not all they're cracked up to be and the desire to possess more is just like worshiping a false idol.

Father, as your daughter I come to you on my knees, humble and ashamed of the cloud I have placed over my family.

Thank you for the love and grace you have already given us, and for the mercy and love you will show us as we pass this hurdle.

Remind me daily that to be on my knees when I have nowhere else to go is not the only time to be on my knees. Should I do this daily I would not keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Fill me with the desire to spend more than just the time I already spend with you and to focus more on you than what's going on around me.

I love you my Father and I am so sorry for all the sins I have comitted throughout this ordeal. I so want to do better but I have no clue where to start. Please point me in the right direction.

I seek all of this and your will be done in your son Yeshua's name...