Monday, February 21, 2011

What am I really worth?

So I'm lying in bed tonight distraught because I haven't heard from Chad. Again.

He works so hard, and does so much that I don't begrudge him this at all. I understand how life works and I'll be honest...there have been times I've been too busy to talk to him too. That's just the way things work sometimes.

The problem isn't that he's busy; the problem is I feel such self doubt in myself about it.

How can I be a child of the King and and heir of His Kingdom but feel so unworthy and unloved here on earth? How can I continue to go through life and distrust everyone I meet?

There are times when I want to break up with Chad because I don't feel I'm ready to accept what he feels for me. He tells me how he feels, he shows me how he feels, and yet...I still doubt it. How can someone love so much about me when I can't see what he sees?

Why is this? What is so wrong with me that I can't even accept love when it's given to me?

There have been times in my life when I felt that nothing on this earth would change with my disappearance and I still hold to that thought. I know for sure it will be horrible for Jordan so I don't even think about leaving everyone. If I did I would just take him with me and run away to Egypt or something. :P

I know there are verses upon verses in the Bible that tells how much He loves us and never once do I doubt it. My doubt comes from those here on earth.

I have no clue what to do about this...*sigh* I do know if I don't figure it out soon I'm going to kill a great relationship and lose someone who could be very dear to me.

Not to mention it's a horrible example for my children. How can I teach them to love themselves when I don't even love myself? Or feel there are those who love me?

I have learned many hard lessons about love and brick walls and hiding myself from those who do love me. Chad had the guts and the desire to get through that wall of mine and now that he's inside he doesn't want to leave...I don't want him to leave either. So I my quest to keep others out have I done too good of a job?

This weeks to figure out what I'm really worth: not only in Heaven but here on earth.

1 comment:

  1. Katy, thank you for your transparency. I sometimes think it's the plight of a woman to question whether she is worthy of love. We all struggle with that (or maybe it's just me and you). It sounds like Chad's a great guy, and if he is and he chooses to love you, then you're a smart woman to keep him around. The world's a better place because you're here, Katy. Be encouraged today, my friend! I miss seeing you in small group. ~Kim