Today a coworker and I were talking and I mentioned it's been 10 years this month since my divorce. Well, shockingly my life is nowhere near where I thought it would be by now. I should be happily married for almost 8 years, have another child or two, live in a nice house that my husband and I bought together...you know...the works. I see so many people divorce and then get together with someone whom they end up marrying and wonder, 'Why couldn't I do that?' Looking back now I realise I was never ready for it and my previous choices were merely me settling for someone instead of picking someone worthy of me.
In recent polls (don't ask for numbers I can't tell you) the number one quality men ages 28-37 look for in a woman is confidence. Second is a nice rack and third is ability to quote the Rocky, Die Hard, and Terminator movies. All of them. I digress though.
Of course I can puff myself out and say, 'Pffft! I have tons of it! I'm good to go there!' while meekly sitting back watching my friends chat up the nice guys at the table next to us and merely sip my screwdriver.
Right. I'm confident.
So during my conversation with my friend (we were chatting via IM) I said three little words that changed my life forever. "I am fat."
Let me say that again just in case you missed it.
I. AM. FAT.
As I'm typing this to her my hands skim over the top of my head and I think absently to myself, "Damn my hair is silky!"
Wait a sec...
So I wrote back to her, "I AM fat, but I have amazing hair, great skin, gorgeous eyes, a beautiful smile, hourglass figure and big boobs. I'm pretty damn fabulous!"
Wait...what was that? Did I really just say that to myself? Let me try it again. Just to make sure I'm understanding.
I'M. PRETTY. DAMN. FABULOUS.
Yup. It's all there, the proof is in the pudding. I think I'm fabulous.
So while I'm marveling at my awesomeness a voice in my head says, "Well yeah, but you're also messy, horrible with money, temperamental, and a crazy ass Mexican. You have a lot of strikes against you too."
Seriously? We're going to start documenting the negatives while trying to focus on the positives? What kind of whack job are you???? (see crazy Mexican above)
So, being the LOGICAL thinker that I am (I can hear people barfing right about now) I decided to make a list. Pros and cons about myself. TRUE pros and cons about myself. Not those stupid (but true), "ZOMG! I don't eat anything that touches on the plate!" ones. But the heart and soul ones.
It ended up looking something like this.
- Can be quite messy
- Pretty spoiled
- HORRIBLE with money. GREAT with spending it, shite with managing it.
- Psycho when all the right buttons are pushed
- Not very adventurous unless pushed
- Sometimes take myself too seriously and ruin everyone's fun. I can't tell you how many times "RUINER!" has been shouted at me for not going along with things
- Love to do things for others but can't always so I end up praying for everyone. Just as important but I still feel impotent about it
- Wonderful confidant
- Laughs easily, even at myself (contradictory to a CON up there but it does exist. Promise!)
- Doesn't have to go out all fancy to be happy; a nice dinner at home with movies or a game night are just as spectacular
- Organised to the point of obsession. My house may need to be vacuumed but my markers are all colour coordinated
- Understand what it means to truly love the Lord with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind and all my strength and actually do it.
- Bloody brilliant and always up for a deep discussion.
- Very loyal. If I love you, I love you forever even if you hurt me. People from years ago are still in my heart and as much as I'd love to I can never think anything but fondness of them. But those who haven't hurt me? I love so deeply and so earnestly.
- Wicked awesome hair. Seriously. It's soft, silky, smooth, a gorgeous natural colour, and pretty long. Yay!
- Pretty brown eyes. Who doesn't love a brown eyed girl? :P
- Great smile! I love hearing people compliment my smile. I know they're omitting the fat cheeks but at least the smile is still there. :)
- A willingness to serve even if I don't feel confident about it. Sometimes the act means more than the reasoning and I have learned this the hard way.
Honestly, I could go on forever, with both lists but I'll stop here. A few things I've noticed. First, there is only one physical con whereas there are THREE physical pros. That's important to someone with little to no self-esteem.
Secondly, the negative list? Not life changers. I mean, is the world going to end if my house isn't Martha Stewart perfect? No. Will my existence cease if I forget about the Lord and His love? The existence I know, yes. Will I die if I don't balance my budget perfectly? No. I might go hungry a few days but I won't die. What kind of person will I be if I stop being there for other people, whether it be as a listening ear or to help them with a problem?
Lastly, the positive list is longer than the negative list and much less superficial.
So in retrospect I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about the situation my life is in. I may not be the most gorgeous woman in the world, or the most put together, but dammit I'm pretty bloody awesome and if people can't see that, then fuck them. Seriously. They can fuck off because I can guarantee there are other people out there who see ME and know ME and LOVE ME!
Just as I am.
I decided I wasn't going to mess with dating or relationships for the rest of the year so I could focus on my children. It's a big year for them I don't want to ruin it by submitting them to my dating drama. Not to mention it's an emotional year for me and I don't feel like sharing those emotions with anyone who hasn't been around to appreciate them.
I feel like I was meant to take this year off and this is one of the biggest reasons why. I have that much more time to learn and as long as I understand the words I am writing and adhere to them, I will be in a much better position to start dating at the ripe ol' age of 36 then I am now as a young 35.
Psalm 139:14 (The Message): I thank you, High God, you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation!