“Soon we must all chose between what is right, and what is easy.” ~ Albus Dumbledore
(this was written Wednesday evening, that's why the time frame seems off)
No one ever said parenthood was for the faint of heart. In fact, I think the opposite proves true. Only the strong can survive, if they want to succeed. And even then it's a gamble. The biggest gamble known to man.
You see, we take this little life and teach it, and raise it, and mold it, so when its older it can become an adult and live and start the whole process over again. But from the moment the parents know of that child's existence, is when the true test of faith begins.
As I've mentioned in another entry, worrying is a sin. So as a parent our job is to have faith that not only will God grant us the strength and wisdom to raise our children, but to also grant our children the strength and wisdom to be the people they need to be. And to do all of this without worrying at all; placing everything we have and everything we are in His hands.
For those who know me well know I tend to be a more logical person than an emotional. So the last couple of days have been very trying on me. Bear with me as I get through this.
I can handle when my child is angry or disappointed in me. I'm okay when a door is slammed and “I HATE YOU!” is bellowed from the other side. I can even take it when sarcastic, biting comments are thrown my way. I have thick skin. Hit me with your best shot.
I cannot, and will not, take it when I'm told I have no faith and no confidence in my children. I do not accept it when I'm told that I'm unsupportive and a negative influence.
Not only does this COMPLETELY piss me off, but I learned it also breaks my heart. I have always been the number one cheerleader for my children. I have always stood behind them even when it seemed no one else would. There is NOTHING in this world that would ever convince me that my children are not brilliant, capable, exceptional men. Nothing. And to be accused of such a thing literally broke my heart. I didn't think it was possible.
All day I suffered through this. All day I felt like the ogre parent. And for many justifiable reasons IMO. As a mother I should be a comforter. A loving being whom my child can go to in times of trouble and strife. Not one who causes it. Instead, because I am a single parent I have the wonderful obligation to be the punisher. Not the comforter. So there's guilt there.
Then there was the strain in the relationship. I pride myself in having s close relationship with my children. Closer than most parents do. I chalk that up to the fact that we only have each other. And I only have them. I never felt like we had the typical parent/child relationship and always felt like I should be able to relate to them better than most parents relate to their children. Due to recent events there was a gap wedged there and that relationship is strained.
As I said earlier, all day I struggled with these emotions and all day a tornado swept through me. It wasn't until a dear friend hugged and prayed for me that I broke. Obviously it was what I needed when I needed it but man was it hard. But as she put it, I needed to do it when I was around people who loved me and not alone.
But it gave me a glimmer of hope. You see, I may go home alone with my child, and I may climb into an empty bed when I go to sleep, but all over this world, there are people out there who love me, who are praying for me, and who know me well enough to know just exactly where I stand with my children. That even though I'm a single parent and have to make these decisions on my own, there's a plethora of people out there who support me, rally behind me, and are there to encourage me should I seek it (and we all know I'm not really going to do that hahaha).
Tonight when I go to sleep, I'll sleep much better than I did last night. Tonight, when I sleep, I'll sleep knowing I'm not alone and that all is not lost. And while I sleep, I'll know that God is working on our hearts and our minds and our spirits...towards healing and perseverance.
You see, God gave me these particular children for a reason. And while I may not understand or like our circumstances, I will trust Him every step of the way. And if I stumble, I have the confidence to know someone else is there to catch me before I fall.
At the risk of sounding like an after school special, please don't forget about single parents. It's a hard, thankless, lonely place to be and rarely have anywhere to turn for emotional support. I got lucky because my friend was where God wanted her to be tonight but not everyone is as fortunate as I. And even though I got lucky this once, many more times do I suffer in silence.