But For the Strong of Spirit

“Soon we must all chose between what is right, and what is easy.” ~ Albus Dumbledore

(this was written Wednesday evening, that's why the time frame seems off)

No one ever said parenthood was for the faint of heart. In fact, I think the opposite proves true. Only the strong can survive, if they want to succeed. And even then it's a gamble. The biggest gamble known to man.

You see, we take this little life and teach it, and raise it, and mold it, so when its older it can become an adult and live and start the whole process over again. But from the moment the parents know of that child's existence, is when the true test of faith begins.

As I've mentioned in another entry, worrying is a sin. So as a parent our job is to have faith that not only will God grant us the strength and wisdom to raise our children, but to also grant our children the strength and wisdom to be the people they need to be. And to do all of this without worrying at all; placing everything we have and everything we are in His hands.

For those who know me well know I tend to be a more logical person than an emotional. So the last couple of days have been very trying on me. Bear with me as I get through this.

I can handle when my child is angry or disappointed in me. I'm okay when a door is slammed and “I HATE YOU!” is bellowed from the other side. I can even take it when sarcastic, biting comments are thrown my way. I have thick skin. Hit me with your best shot.

I cannot, and will not, take it when I'm told I have no faith and no confidence in my children. I do not accept it when I'm told that I'm unsupportive and a negative influence.

Not only does this COMPLETELY piss me off, but I learned it also breaks my heart. I have always been the number one cheerleader for my children. I have always stood behind them even when it seemed no one else would. There is NOTHING in this world that would ever convince me that my children are not brilliant, capable, exceptional men. Nothing. And to be accused of such a thing literally broke my heart. I didn't think it was possible.

All day I suffered through this. All day I felt like the ogre parent. And for many justifiable reasons IMO. As a mother I should be a comforter. A loving being whom my child can go to in times of trouble and strife. Not one who causes it. Instead, because I am a single parent I have the wonderful obligation to be the punisher. Not the comforter. So there's guilt there.

Then there was the strain in the relationship. I pride myself in having s close relationship with my children. Closer than most parents do. I chalk that up to the fact that we only have each other. And I only have them. I never felt like we had the typical parent/child relationship and always felt like I should be able to relate to them better than most parents relate to their children. Due to recent events there was a gap wedged there and that relationship is strained.

As I said earlier, all day I struggled with these emotions and all day a tornado swept through me. It wasn't until a dear friend hugged and prayed for me that I broke. Obviously it was what I needed when I needed it but man was it hard. But as she put it, I needed to do it when I was around people who loved me and not alone.

But it gave me a glimmer of hope. You see, I may go home alone with my child, and I may climb into an empty bed when I go to sleep, but all over this world, there are people out there who love me, who are praying for me, and who know me well enough to know just exactly where I stand with my children. That even though I'm a single parent and have to make these decisions on my own, there's a plethora of people out there who support me, rally behind me, and are there to encourage me should I seek it (and we all know I'm not really going to do that hahaha).

Tonight when I go to sleep, I'll sleep much better than I did last night. Tonight, when I sleep, I'll sleep knowing I'm not alone and that all is not lost. And while I sleep, I'll know that God is working on our hearts and our minds and our spirits...towards healing and perseverance.

You see, God gave me these particular children for a reason. And while I may not understand or like our circumstances, I will trust Him every step of the way. And if I stumble, I have the confidence to know someone else is there to catch me before I fall.

At the risk of sounding like an after school special, please don't forget about single parents. It's a hard, thankless, lonely place to be and rarely have anywhere to turn for emotional support. I got lucky because my friend was where God wanted her to be tonight but not everyone is as fortunate as I. And even though I got lucky this once, many more times do I suffer in silence.

A Girl Worth Fighting For!!!

A Girl Worth Fighting For!!!

We all know the song. They're marching off to battle and dreaming of a girl to appreciate their heroics; a girl worth fighting for. These men was to feel respected and special and brave, even in times of war.

But I have to wonder, are they asking for too little when seeking the girl worth fighting for? A pretty girl, an adoring girl, a girl who can cook.

And during that wondering I have to ponder if I'm a girl worth fighting for. I mean, I'm 35 years old and so far no ones fighting for me. :P Cory and Chris dueling to dance with me at the 50's dance at the youth center in 3rd grade don't count. ;)

So I'm thinking about myself, praying, listening to wisdom of those around me and realise yes, I am definitely worth fighting for.

First off, I'm a daughter of the King. This means I made the decision to pick up my cross and follow Jesus. I have decided that He is the master of my life and have accepted Him to live within me. I may not have always showed Him in my life or choices I've made but He's definitely present in my life.

Secondly because of this, He has taken care of the hard parts for me. You see, many think Christianity is a burden. So many rules, so many seemingly contradictions....they miss out on the best part: freedom.

Because of my freedom in Him I am free to love however little or much I chose without reservation. I have experienced the greatest love of all and can now love without expecting anything in return. Yes when I'm with someone I want him to love me, obviously, but that's not what I'm saying. I can enter into a relationship with my eyes and heart wide open and freely give all I can because I have already been loved so much. HIS love is what is perfect, not a mans.

Recently through an amazing person I have learned how truly special I am. I have learned to appreciate my intelligence like never before. I can see the beauty I have amidst all the flaws I feel I have to point out lest someone else beat me to it. I can hear my laughter and know that while some don't appreciate it, it makes me happy to know I still have joy and can express it with vigor. I can be ME and love every moment of it. Why did it take so long for me to see this? To see me? Because the world told me differently. Well, my Father proved to me the world is wrong. And it took someone else to show me the beauty of me.

So in this I have learned that yes, I am totally a girl worth fighting for. I'm just looking for a man worthy of that fight. How exciting this next journey of my life will be!!

Life's A Dance You Learn As You Go...

My evening has been full of clichés today. And one song keeps running through my mind.

Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go

And to be honest, I'm still dancing so I'm still learning. ^_^

Love is not a feeling. Love is a choice. So many people say, "I can't help who I love." I can't imagine not being happy with deciding to love someone. Love doesn't hurt. Love isn't confusing. Love isn't stressful. Love is beautiful and wonderful and hard and worth every drop of blood, sweat and tears.

For so long I believed my love was predestined. That someone was already picked out for me and all I had to do was wait for our eyes to open to each other and bam! We'd be together. Sounds simple and so idealistic. I even thought I knew who God chose for me and all I was doing was waiting for the right time for Him to say, "It's time. You may now love each other." how awkward is that? Especially if he doesn't get the same feeling from God that I do. I could be waiting forever! I actually have waited until he up and married someone else. Then I realized the fallacy of my thinking. Did it change though? No. I simply set my sights on someone else and waited.

Well, I'm not waiting anymore.

I have figured out that because love is a CHOICE that whomever I DECIDE to love will be the one destined for me. That whomever I decide to share my life with, who's life is shared with me, who loves me as much or more than I love him is the one I'm meant to be with.

Now, he may not fit what I thought to be the perfect image for me, but perfection is overrated. Does he love me? Yes. Does he love the Lord? Yes. Is he a hard worker willing to do what it takes to take care of his family? Yes. Does me make me want to be a better person? Every day. Do we want to do everything we can to make the other happy? Yes.

Life is not decided for us. Life is the choices we make and if we decide to rest on our morals and wait for the fairy godmother to appear with the perfect spouse, we're going to wait for a very long time. If we make the conscious decision to love someone whole heartedly and be with that person for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, rich or for poor...then who's to say it isn't right?
I think I got this mindset that "Well, if God wanted different he'd change it." Not necessarily so. God also gave us brains and a heart as well as the guidance of the Holy Spirit. He gave us the chance to make our own choices and allow Him to bless us.

Did God chose for me to be a single parent all of these years? No. But He did chose to bless me with two amazing men who love Him with every fiber of their beings. He did bless us with a roof over our heads, food on the table and clothes on our backs and when I couldn't provide for that He sent others to meet that need. Will God chose my husband? Probably not but He knows the choices I will make and knows that my heart is to serve Him and with my choice of husband it will be done.

There's a fine line between choice and defiance and I know I'm walking very close to it, but I'm trying not to; I don't want to deceive anyone by saying, 'well as long as you're happy God will bless you' because that's not true. But sometimes we have to step outside of our comfort zones and pursue life as we pursue Him.

I don't plan on being reckless with my life and rush around trying to find a husband. I also don't plan on sitting back passively waiting for someone to walk up to me and say, "God said I should marry you". I plan on living life to it's fullest and let God work His wonders. Who knows? I may surprise us all by picking someone totally unexpected until you see us together and then you say, "Wow. They truly are an amazing match!"

Life is a dance you learn as you go and I just learned to chose love instead of destiny.

What Do I Love???

What do I love more than money?

When I pondered upon this question one answer came to me: spending time with loved ones. I have such a passion and such a desire to surround myself with people I love and it doesn't (or shouldn't) cost anything.

Whether it's watching tv with the boys, or visiting with close friends, or vegging on the beach with girlfriends I'm quite happy to do it.

This was an important exercise for me because I have felt all consumed with the power of the almighty dollar. It has the power to render one homeless, or hungry, or lacking in education. It can aid in murder or salvation, thievery or generosity, love or heartbreak. It literally rules the world and we just stand by and watch with thunderous applause.

In order to keep from being swept up in that vicious tide these provoking questions are necessary to bring perspective back to ourselves and our goals. Since my goal is to live my life as a Christ follower and share His love and light with others, wouldn't it behoove me to put my money where my mouth is and make that change in myself?

So I may not be rolling in riches or affording the grandest of palaces I will remember my place in this world and where my richest will be cashed in.

Here’s a hint: they won't be cashed in here. Or anywhere else on earth.

So tomorrow when I wake I hope to take this lesson with me when I leave. I hope I remember the security and confidence I had when I fell asleep knowing there's no telling what tomorrow may bring.

Sherlock Tiberias Boone June 18, 2012 - April 23, 2014

"Sherlock has hopped over the rainbow bridge and into the arms of Jesus."

It was one of the longest days of my life. I was home with a non working car and did everything I could to feed and water Sherlock. He was pretty listless and didn't want a whole lot. By 1630 that evening I knew it was time. I wrapped him in a dish towel (sorry Mother!) and took him outside for some fresh air. We sat in a swing under the tree but the traffic was too loud and he jumped every time a car zoomed by.

I sat under the porch with him and just held him in my arms and rocked. Mind you I wasn't this calm about it and neither was he. He was gasping for his last breaths and I was bawling my eyes out trying to comfort him the best way possible. In all honesty, I thought about snapping his neck just to put him out of his pain and misery. I didn't though. A lack of courage or a show of allowing him to leave how he wanted to I'll never know...I do know it was horrible for the two of us.

One of the last things he heard was me singing, "Jesus loves the little bunnies...all of the bunnies of the world. Red and yellow, black and white and brown (because he is mostly brown), they are precious to his sight, Jesus loves the little bunnies of the world." and me telling him that when he gets to Heaven to make sure and snuggle with Jesus and wait for us because we'll be there one day with him.

I kept rocking him and then he was gone. My tears dried up and I knew I was sobbing not because of his death but because of his pain. As hard as it was for me to see him endure it I wouldn't have it any other way. He left this world loved and snuggled and made as comfortable as possible and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I still cry but only when I think about the pain and suffering he went through, not the loss of him. I miss him and I'm sad he's gone but everyone dies. It's a part of life and I rarely cry over the death of anyone or anything. But to go through pain to get to that death? It breaks my heart (and contrary to popular belief, I truly do have a heart) and I would rather suffer in their place.

He has returned to the ground from which he came from and I believe with all my heart he is binkying all over the place while gnawing on strawberry tops and iPhone cords. ;)

Binky free, Sherlock, and be ready to hop back into our arms when we join you again.

In memory of Sherlock Tiberias Boone: Temporarily in our lives, forever in our hearts.

He is Risen and it is Good! But Why?

Today is Easter!!! The celebration of Jesus rising from death and showing himself alive after being dead for three days!! Who doesn't get excited about that?? 

Before I tell you about my love for him and why I'm so excited today, let me give you back story. 

One of my biggest pet peeves of man is the lack of honour. It seems people have lost the concept of honour throughout time and we are getting worse every generation. Scripture tells us to allow your yes's be yes and your no's be no. In other words stick to what you say and do everything possible to keep your word. 

I'll be the first to admit I am HORRIBLE about this. I have the best intentions but as we all know the road to hell so paved with the best of intentions. I am human, I make mistakes and I struggle daily to not make the same mistakes. 

I live a pretty guarded life. I am selective about who I spend time with, I trust few people with my thoughts, and I tend to keep so much more to myself than probably necessary. People as a whole aren't bad; there's just bad choices and we are all guilty of that. I know that and am trying to open up more and more. It's a process but I'm trying. :)

I became as guarded as I am because I feel like people have been dishonourable to me. They haven't kept their word in matters that are important. "I'll love you forever." "Until death do us part." "I promise I'll never tell anyone."  "I'll love your children like my own." "We'll be friends forever." "You can trust me." Etc. etc. etc. You get the point. I decided as long as I didn't put my trust in someone else, I wouldn't get hurt. Or so I told myself. 

It was a very lonely existence and I learned it was just an existence. I wasn't alive. 

Then I remembered I was a child of God and had the love of Jesus in me. Jesus, the walking perfection who came from His throne in Heaven to live with mortal man and show them the way to His Father. 

He was perfect andHe still died on the cross like a common criminal. But His most glorious feat had yet to be accomplished. Three days later He came back from the dead and arose into the clouds to take His place by the father again. 

Do you know why this is so special to me? He kept His word. He told the disciples He would return and He did. In fact everything He said and everything He promised He stuck to or will. He's a man of His word and for that I will follow Him for the rest of my life. 

As for the rest of mankind? No one is perfect and if I make mistakes I have to accept mistakes in others. I'll put my trust in someone else eventually. It'll happen. ;) 

The Monster Doesn't Always Live Under Your Bed...

So I was feeling despondent about a year ago and decided to write my heart song. Pretty creepy when you think about it. :P

Anyway, I hear the one pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean when I read this;  only creepier. Not the pirate with one eye but his friend. :P

Hello?

Hello, poppet.

Are you home?

Are you there?

The monster wants to come out and plaaay. Come play with me.

Come run your fingers through my coarse green hair.

Stare into the emeralds of my eyes.

Let me feed you the blood that runs through my veins.

Yes…yes!

Feed on me.

Feel me.

Embrace me.

Be.

The.

Monster.

Be the monster you were meant to be.

Take all those pure notions and cast them out.

I am all that matters now and I want you to feed on me.

I want you to want me.

I want you to desire me.

I want to fill you with all of my essence and all of me.

Your pain is my passion.

Passion that is fed back to you with vigor and demand.

Passion that lights your eyes and sets your heart pounding.

You have no idea how I need you, do you?

You have no idea how my heart races when you are near.

You think you know me, but you don’t.

You don’t even know yourself.

You don’t even know how much your body craves my attentions.

You don’t understand how your heart aches to be filled with me.

You will never understand.

And I will never satiate you.

I will never satisfy the lust you have.

I will never soothe your soul with my presence.

I will curdle your heart and boil your blood to where you are nothing but me.

I am you.

Have you not noticed yet?

Do you not see me when you look in the mirror?

Do you not feel me when you touch yourself?

Do you not taste me on your lips with your tongue?

We are one.

And the more your heart hardens the more you crave me.

The more you crave me the more your heart will harden.

Soon, and very soon, by the time I’m done you will cease to exist.

I will be you and I will love it.

Look.

Look in the mirror.

Who do you see?

Hello, poppet.

It’s me.