What am I really worth?

So I'm lying in bed tonight distraught because I haven't heard from Chad. Again.

He works so hard, and does so much that I don't begrudge him this at all. I understand how life works and I'll be honest...there have been times I've been too busy to talk to him too. That's just the way things work sometimes.

The problem isn't that he's busy; the problem is I feel such self doubt in myself about it.

How can I be a child of the King and and heir of His Kingdom but feel so unworthy and unloved here on earth? How can I continue to go through life and distrust everyone I meet?

There are times when I want to break up with Chad because I don't feel I'm ready to accept what he feels for me. He tells me how he feels, he shows me how he feels, and yet...I still doubt it. How can someone love so much about me when I can't see what he sees?

Why is this? What is so wrong with me that I can't even accept love when it's given to me?

There have been times in my life when I felt that nothing on this earth would change with my disappearance and I still hold to that thought. I know for sure it will be horrible for Jordan so I don't even think about leaving everyone. If I did I would just take him with me and run away to Egypt or something. :P

I know there are verses upon verses in the Bible that tells how much He loves us and never once do I doubt it. My doubt comes from those here on earth.

I have no clue what to do about this...*sigh* I do know if I don't figure it out soon I'm going to kill a great relationship and lose someone who could be very dear to me.

Not to mention it's a horrible example for my children. How can I teach them to love themselves when I don't even love myself? Or feel there are those who love me?

I have learned many hard lessons about love and brick walls and hiding myself from those who do love me. Chad had the guts and the desire to get through that wall of mine and now that he's inside he doesn't want to leave...I don't want him to leave either. So I wonder...in my quest to keep others out have I done too good of a job?

This weeks quandry...how to figure out what I'm really worth: not only in Heaven but here on earth.

Think OUTSIDE the box!

I learned tonight why I have such a hard time reading the gospels.

I am a linear thinker and can't think outside the box. How does Yeshua preach? In parables! Yikes! I can't think that way. All I can do is see His words and take them literally.

I was sitting in life group tonight and listening to everyone give examples to the parables and each time someone said something I was like, "ooooohhhhhh...THAT'S what that meant."

Yes...my IQ dropped a few points tonight. *rolling my eyes*

I hear frequently that I need to think outside the box more and this is one wonderful example as to why.

This could also be why Jordan has such a grasp on scripture because he can take what he reads and hears and apply it accordingly.

Lucky. :P

So do you have something hindering your ability to read and understand scripture? What do you do about it? What do you plan to do about it?

^_^

Down on My Knees

It's funny how I cruise through life and thank G-d everyday for all of the blessings He's given me, but for some odd reason I don't prostrate myself to Him until I feel I have to.

I talk to Him daily, I listen to His guidance, and I follow His voice even when I completely disagree.

I pray daily for wisdom when I become my own worst enemy but somehow or another my ears shut and my heart is void.

When my back is to the wall and my toes are hanging off the edge of the cliff I know that when I fall He will catch me or give me wings to fly.

Why do I allow myself to get to that point? Why do I push myself to that far limit only to face the extreme?

Many of the problems in my life are self inflicted. I go wide eyed into situations and just "pray" them away because I know He is there for me and no matter what happens He will get the praise and gloury for everything He does.

I have learned this week what it feels like to be a terrible parent. Not by attitude or neglect, but by lack of guidance and setting a poor example.

I have relied on His grace to set me free and sometimes it's not that easy. Sometimes our sins will take hold of us and we face consequences we never thought possible.

My heart breaks to know that because of my lack of restraint and inability to seek wisdom and guidance not only from Him, but from those He places in my life that my children will suffer greatly.

How is that acceptable to any parent? How are my actions acceptable?

I have a wonderful relationship with my Father and somehow or another I just can't seem to swallow myself and allow Him to guide me the way I need to follow.

I trust Him, I believe Him, I know He is the Almighty and I love Him with all my heart.

I know that no matter what happens G-d will take care of my children and I know He will continue to love me.

I have sinned by not accepting my responsibilities and by living carefree when I should have been careful.

I will not sin by fearing my future because no matter my mistakes He will provide our needs and whether that's where we are now, or somewhere else it will be for His gloury.

Brothers and sisters, keep us in your prayers. Keep me in your prayers.

It shouldn't take a shock like this for me to straighten up but I'm learning more and more when it comes to those I love I live in denial.

I deny my need to be honest with myself, I deny others the truth of my heart, and I deny us all the peace we could have if I would just open up.

Father, I open my heart and mind up to you. I pray that you will place your comforting hand on the boys through this trial and fill me with wisdom and humility to accept the consequences of my sin.

You are an amazing G-d and I want to do you proud as your Princess. Please don't just give me wisdom Father, please help me to accept it and use it throughout my life. Help me to better weigh out consequences so that I am a better steward of your blessings.

Please allow me to take this opportunity to teach the boys that material things are not all they're cracked up to be and the desire to possess more is just like worshiping a false idol.

Father, as your daughter I come to you on my knees, humble and ashamed of the cloud I have placed over my family.

Thank you for the love and grace you have already given us, and for the mercy and love you will show us as we pass this hurdle.

Remind me daily that to be on my knees when I have nowhere else to go is not the only time to be on my knees. Should I do this daily I would not keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Fill me with the desire to spend more than just the time I already spend with you and to focus more on you than what's going on around me.

I love you my Father and I am so sorry for all the sins I have comitted throughout this ordeal. I so want to do better but I have no clue where to start. Please point me in the right direction.

I seek all of this and your will be done in your son Yeshua's name...

Amen.

School Days...everyone is learning; even Mommy

School has started and something amazing has happened. Quinton refuses to miss anything for fear of having daaays worth of homework. He is taking sophomore geometry, Spanish I, and other accelerated classes. He loves school and wants nothing more than to succeed. He can do it too. He has the drive, which his mother never had. :P

Jordan had a rough first couple of days but his teacher was more than pleased to say that talking to him was like talking to another adult. For those of you who know my boys you know that they don't act like normal children. They don't talk like normal children. I never let them do that. I still don't. Don't get me wrong, they're still boys and they still act like boys but they are so much more than that.

Quinton looks so far into the future that he knows what he wants to go to school for, he knows what he has to do to achieve that, and he is always looking for more and more ways to succeed.

Jordan is a very practical thinker. He looks so far outside the box that it baffles even adults. We have deep questioning discussions about life, scripture, people, history, and the difference between fantasy and reality.

This is why I never worried too much about what fiction characters the boys were and are into. I know they have a deep connection to reality, again, unlike their mother, and they are sometimes the ones to pull me out of the clouds. Nothing more humbling than a 9 year old saying, "Mum...you know that's not real, right?" :P

And for me...well, my 30's are being good to me...so far. I am still in deep denial about having turned 31 (I'm only claiming 27) but someone said with age comes wisdom. Who am I to deny myself this wisdom?

I still feel like we are wondering through life like the Hebrews wondered through the desert, but I'm doing my best to keep my eye on the goal and not so much the journey. Matthew 7 says small is the gate and narrow the path to those who follow it. Unfortunately we have a tendency to broaden our path and put more road blocks in it than it needs. How silly of us! Why would we do this? Why must we insist on doing things the hard way?

I always tell my parents that I want to make my own mistakes and my own decisions but I'm learning...why? What am I proving that I can royally screw my life up by doing it my own way?

Yeshua never promised us an easy journey but He did give us a way to walk that journey with Him.

The boys and I are looking into the Messianic culture and I hope to learn a lot about Elohim and His history, His people, and His feasts.

Come on folks...I was raised Baptist; what better group of people to learn about feasts? :P

First Day

So the boys have gone on vacation and I decided hey...we need a blog. So I started one and they're not here to gripe about it! Nay nay nay nay nay! *grin*

It's the simple things in life. :D

We really lead a fairly boring life so this will basically be "stuff" I don't feel like posting on myspace or facebook (which now that I think about it, I post a lot of stuff there...) or it could just be whatever is on my mind. *shrug* We'll see.

Keep an eye on the link though; never know when we have something new pop up! :D