What Do I Love???

What do I love more than money?

When I pondered upon this question one answer came to me: spending time with loved ones. I have such a passion and such a desire to surround myself with people I love and it doesn't (or shouldn't) cost anything.

Whether it's watching tv with the boys, or visiting with close friends, or vegging on the beach with girlfriends I'm quite happy to do it.

This was an important exercise for me because I have felt all consumed with the power of the almighty dollar. It has the power to render one homeless, or hungry, or lacking in education. It can aid in murder or salvation, thievery or generosity, love or heartbreak. It literally rules the world and we just stand by and watch with thunderous applause.

In order to keep from being swept up in that vicious tide these provoking questions are necessary to bring perspective back to ourselves and our goals. Since my goal is to live my life as a Christ follower and share His love and light with others, wouldn't it behoove me to put my money where my mouth is and make that change in myself?

So I may not be rolling in riches or affording the grandest of palaces I will remember my place in this world and where my richest will be cashed in.

Here’s a hint: they won't be cashed in here. Or anywhere else on earth.

So tomorrow when I wake I hope to take this lesson with me when I leave. I hope I remember the security and confidence I had when I fell asleep knowing there's no telling what tomorrow may bring.

Sherlock Tiberias Boone June 18, 2012 - April 23, 2014

"Sherlock has hopped over the rainbow bridge and into the arms of Jesus."

It was one of the longest days of my life. I was home with a non working car and did everything I could to feed and water Sherlock. He was pretty listless and didn't want a whole lot. By 1630 that evening I knew it was time. I wrapped him in a dish towel (sorry Mother!) and took him outside for some fresh air. We sat in a swing under the tree but the traffic was too loud and he jumped every time a car zoomed by.

I sat under the porch with him and just held him in my arms and rocked. Mind you I wasn't this calm about it and neither was he. He was gasping for his last breaths and I was bawling my eyes out trying to comfort him the best way possible. In all honesty, I thought about snapping his neck just to put him out of his pain and misery. I didn't though. A lack of courage or a show of allowing him to leave how he wanted to I'll never know...I do know it was horrible for the two of us.

One of the last things he heard was me singing, "Jesus loves the little bunnies...all of the bunnies of the world. Red and yellow, black and white and brown (because he is mostly brown), they are precious to his sight, Jesus loves the little bunnies of the world." and me telling him that when he gets to Heaven to make sure and snuggle with Jesus and wait for us because we'll be there one day with him.

I kept rocking him and then he was gone. My tears dried up and I knew I was sobbing not because of his death but because of his pain. As hard as it was for me to see him endure it I wouldn't have it any other way. He left this world loved and snuggled and made as comfortable as possible and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I still cry but only when I think about the pain and suffering he went through, not the loss of him. I miss him and I'm sad he's gone but everyone dies. It's a part of life and I rarely cry over the death of anyone or anything. But to go through pain to get to that death? It breaks my heart (and contrary to popular belief, I truly do have a heart) and I would rather suffer in their place.

He has returned to the ground from which he came from and I believe with all my heart he is binkying all over the place while gnawing on strawberry tops and iPhone cords. ;)

Binky free, Sherlock, and be ready to hop back into our arms when we join you again.

In memory of Sherlock Tiberias Boone: Temporarily in our lives, forever in our hearts.

He is Risen and it is Good! But Why?

Today is Easter!!! The celebration of Jesus rising from death and showing himself alive after being dead for three days!! Who doesn't get excited about that?? 

Before I tell you about my love for him and why I'm so excited today, let me give you back story. 

One of my biggest pet peeves of man is the lack of honour. It seems people have lost the concept of honour throughout time and we are getting worse every generation. Scripture tells us to allow your yes's be yes and your no's be no. In other words stick to what you say and do everything possible to keep your word. 

I'll be the first to admit I am HORRIBLE about this. I have the best intentions but as we all know the road to hell so paved with the best of intentions. I am human, I make mistakes and I struggle daily to not make the same mistakes. 

I live a pretty guarded life. I am selective about who I spend time with, I trust few people with my thoughts, and I tend to keep so much more to myself than probably necessary. People as a whole aren't bad; there's just bad choices and we are all guilty of that. I know that and am trying to open up more and more. It's a process but I'm trying. :)

I became as guarded as I am because I feel like people have been dishonourable to me. They haven't kept their word in matters that are important. "I'll love you forever." "Until death do us part." "I promise I'll never tell anyone."  "I'll love your children like my own." "We'll be friends forever." "You can trust me." Etc. etc. etc. You get the point. I decided as long as I didn't put my trust in someone else, I wouldn't get hurt. Or so I told myself. 

It was a very lonely existence and I learned it was just an existence. I wasn't alive. 

Then I remembered I was a child of God and had the love of Jesus in me. Jesus, the walking perfection who came from His throne in Heaven to live with mortal man and show them the way to His Father. 

He was perfect andHe still died on the cross like a common criminal. But His most glorious feat had yet to be accomplished. Three days later He came back from the dead and arose into the clouds to take His place by the father again. 

Do you know why this is so special to me? He kept His word. He told the disciples He would return and He did. In fact everything He said and everything He promised He stuck to or will. He's a man of His word and for that I will follow Him for the rest of my life. 

As for the rest of mankind? No one is perfect and if I make mistakes I have to accept mistakes in others. I'll put my trust in someone else eventually. It'll happen. ;) 

The Monster Doesn't Always Live Under Your Bed...

So I was feeling despondent about a year ago and decided to write my heart song. Pretty creepy when you think about it. :P

Anyway, I hear the one pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean when I read this;  only creepier. Not the pirate with one eye but his friend. :P

Hello?

Hello, poppet.

Are you home?

Are you there?

The monster wants to come out and plaaay. Come play with me.

Come run your fingers through my coarse green hair.

Stare into the emeralds of my eyes.

Let me feed you the blood that runs through my veins.

Yes…yes!

Feed on me.

Feel me.

Embrace me.

Be.

The.

Monster.

Be the monster you were meant to be.

Take all those pure notions and cast them out.

I am all that matters now and I want you to feed on me.

I want you to want me.

I want you to desire me.

I want to fill you with all of my essence and all of me.

Your pain is my passion.

Passion that is fed back to you with vigor and demand.

Passion that lights your eyes and sets your heart pounding.

You have no idea how I need you, do you?

You have no idea how my heart races when you are near.

You think you know me, but you don’t.

You don’t even know yourself.

You don’t even know how much your body craves my attentions.

You don’t understand how your heart aches to be filled with me.

You will never understand.

And I will never satiate you.

I will never satisfy the lust you have.

I will never soothe your soul with my presence.

I will curdle your heart and boil your blood to where you are nothing but me.

I am you.

Have you not noticed yet?

Do you not see me when you look in the mirror?

Do you not feel me when you touch yourself?

Do you not taste me on your lips with your tongue?

We are one.

And the more your heart hardens the more you crave me.

The more you crave me the more your heart will harden.

Soon, and very soon, by the time I’m done you will cease to exist.

I will be you and I will love it.

Look.

Look in the mirror.

Who do you see?

Hello, poppet.

It’s me.

Just As I Am

~*~ There will probably be some harsh language in this blog so if it offends you, please don't read it. I plan on being honest, blunt, raw and very open. If you read it and are still offended, please don't comment on it. I honestly don't care. You were warned. You didn't have to read it. - Katy ~*~

Today a coworker and I were talking and I mentioned it's been 10 years this month since my divorce. Well, shockingly my life is nowhere near where I thought it would be by now. I should be happily married for almost 8 years, have another child or two, live in a nice house that my husband and I bought together...you know...the works. I see so many people divorce and then get together with someone whom they end up marrying and wonder, 'Why couldn't I do that?' Looking back now I realise I was never ready for it and my previous choices were merely me settling for someone instead of picking someone worthy of me.

In recent polls (don't ask for numbers I can't tell you) the number one quality men ages 28-37 look for in a woman is confidence. Second is a nice rack and third is ability to quote the Rocky, Die Hard, and Terminator movies. All of them. I digress though.

Confidence.

Of course I can puff myself out and say, 'Pffft! I have tons of it! I'm good to go there!' while meekly sitting back watching my friends chat up the nice guys at the table next to us and merely sip my screwdriver.

Right. I'm confident.

So during my conversation with my friend (we were chatting via IM) I said three little words that changed my life forever. "I am fat."

Let me say that again just in case you missed it.

I. AM. FAT.

As I'm typing this to her my hands skim over the top of my head and I think absently to myself, "Damn my hair is silky!"

Wait a sec...

So I wrote back to her, "I AM fat, but I have amazing hair, great skin, gorgeous eyes, a beautiful smile, hourglass figure and big boobs. I'm pretty damn fabulous!"

Wait...what was that? Did I really just say that to myself? Let me try it again. Just to make sure I'm understanding.

I'M. PRETTY. DAMN. FABULOUS.

Yup. It's all there, the proof is in the pudding. I think I'm fabulous.

So while I'm marveling at my awesomeness a voice in my head says, "Well yeah, but you're also messy, horrible with money, temperamental, and a crazy ass Mexican. You have a lot of strikes against you too."

Seriously? We're going to start documenting the negatives while trying to focus on the positives? What kind of whack job are you???? (see crazy Mexican above)

So, being the LOGICAL thinker that I am (I can hear people barfing right about now) I decided to make a list. Pros and cons about myself. TRUE pros and cons about myself. Not those stupid (but true), "ZOMG! I don't eat anything that touches on the plate!" ones. But the heart and soul ones.

It ended up looking something like this.

CONS

• Fat
• Can be quite messy
• Pretty spoiled
• HORRIBLE with money. GREAT with spending it, shite with managing it.
• Argumentative
• Psycho when all the right buttons are pushed
• Not very adventurous unless pushed
• Sometimes take myself too seriously and ruin everyone's fun. I can't tell you how many times "RUINER!" has been shouted at me for not going along with things

 

 

 

PROS

 

• Love to do things for others but can't always so I end up praying for everyone. Just as important but I still feel impotent about it
• Wonderful confidant
• Laughs easily, even at myself (contradictory to a CON up there but it does exist. Promise!)
• Doesn't have to go out all fancy to be happy; a nice dinner at home with movies or a game night are just as spectacular
• Organised to the point of obsession. My house may need to be vacuumed but my markers are all colour coordinated
• Understand what it means to truly love the Lord with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind and all my strength and actually do it.
• Bloody brilliant and always up for a deep discussion.
• Very loyal. If I love you, I love you forever even if you hurt me. People from years ago are still in my heart and as much as I'd love to I can never think anything but fondness of them. But those who haven't hurt me? I love so deeply and so earnestly.
• Wicked awesome hair. Seriously. It's soft, silky, smooth, a gorgeous natural colour, and pretty long. Yay!
• Pretty brown eyes. Who doesn't love a brown eyed girl? :P
• Great smile! I love hearing people compliment my smile. I know they're omitting the fat cheeks but at least the smile is still there. :)
• A willingness to serve even if I don't feel confident about it. Sometimes the act means more than the reasoning and I have learned this the hard way.

 

 

Honestly, I could go on forever, with both lists but I'll stop here. A few things I've noticed. First, there is only one physical con whereas there are THREE physical pros. That's important to someone with little to no self-esteem.

 

Secondly, the negative list? Not life changers. I mean, is the world going to end if my house isn't Martha Stewart perfect? No. Will my existence cease if I forget about the Lord and His love? The existence I know, yes. Will I die if I don't balance my budget perfectly? No. I might go hungry a few days but I won't die. What kind of person will I be if I stop being there for other people, whether it be as a listening ear or to help them with a problem?

 

Lastly, the positive list is longer than the negative list and much less superficial.

 

So in retrospect I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about the situation my life is in. I may not be the most gorgeous woman in the world, or the most put together, but dammit I'm pretty bloody awesome and if people can't see that, then fuck them. Seriously. They can fuck off because I can guarantee there are other people out there who see ME and know ME and LOVE ME!

 

Just as I am.

 

I decided I wasn't going to mess with dating or relationships for the rest of the year so I could focus on my children. It's a big year for them I don't want to ruin it by submitting them to my dating drama. Not to mention it's an emotional year for me and I don't feel like sharing those emotions with anyone who hasn't been around to appreciate them.

 

I feel like I was meant to take this year off and this is one of the biggest reasons why. I have that much more time to learn and as long as I understand the words I am writing and adhere to them, I will be in a much better position to start dating at the ripe ol' age of 36 then I am now as a young 35.

 

 

Psalm 139:14 (The Message): I thank you, High God, you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation!

Replay, replay, replay...

I love music. One of my favourite songs is bittersweet. I listened to it a lot for one line when a boyfriend and I were planning a wedding, Someday I'm gonna make you my wife...I used to get goose bumps (would you like-a to feel mah goose-a bumps LOL) just thinking about being his wife.

Well...all's well that end's well. :P We're not getting married, I'm not going to be his wife, but I still enjoy the song. One part of the song stands out at me right now.

Shawty's like a melody in my head
That I can't keep out, got me singin' like
Na, na, na, na everyday
It's like my iPod's stuck on replay, replay

Though the circumstances may be different it seems that we're living the same situations over and over again. Our iPod of life is definitely stuck on replay. :P

Weeks ago I was living in fear (and sin) because of my life circumstances and I could not drag myself out of my own dispair. The L-rd showed me a way out and it was only then I was able to breathe right again. I should have just realised that He was going to show me a way out to begin with and saved myself all the stress.

During this trial my 11 year old son kept patting my head and telling me that everything was going to be okay, G-d wasn't going to make us live in a box, and if He did it was be a nice box. :) . His faith and his strength got me through this trial and I thank G-d for him everyday. He's a good kid. :D

Now this same child is going through a trial that isn't a big one, but to his 11 year old heart it is. He cries himself to sleep, he worries with the deep concentration of an 80 year old man, and one can almost hear his heart breaking.

Ecclesiastes 1: 8-10 tells us, All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing. What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. Is there anything of which one can say, “Look! This is something new”? It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time.

Someone else has been through the exact same trials as Jordan. Someone else has felt the same pain he's dealing with. Someone else has gotten through this trial and whether it was with His guidance or not I don't know. But he got through it. Jordan is luckier than some people. He has the promise that through Yeshua he can get through all things. And he has the promise that G-d will never leave him nor forsake him. And he has the assurance that no matter what happens in his 11 year old life, G-d is in control and He will not fail him. How lucky is Jordan!?

I just wish Jordan would focus on this more than the trial he's going through. He has no clue how easy things are going for him now and if he could just focus on that... Guess I should save that advice for myself, huh? :P Well, Jordan, with G-d's guidance got me through my trials so I, with G-d's guidance, am going to get Jordan through his. What kind of mommy would I be if I didn't? :)

My final words are for Jordan only and somday he'll see this and know exactly what I'm talking about and realise how amazing G-d truly is. :)

I love...dew.

Quicksand

One of my favourite movies is The Replacements starring Keanu Reeves. There are so many wonderful lines from that movie.

“Keep them from shaking their ass for two minutes!”

“Clifford Franklin is looking for a new ho!”

“California oranges, Texas cactus. We think your team needs a little practice!”

“Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory…is forever.”

“Red means STOP.”

“I love to see a fat guy score…you get a fat guy spike and a fat guy dance.”

I could go on and on. I never tire of this movie. :P

One thing that always gets to me about this movie is the locker room talk. Coach McGinty writes on the chalkboard in big letters FEAR and asks the players to discuss their fears.

The answers start of humourous…spiders, bees, heights…etc., etc. Then one person pipes up and says “quicksand”.

At first everyone’s thinking the literal quick sand in the jungles. Then the coach asks for clarification.

In the words of the player, Shane Falco, “You're playing and you think everything is going fine. Then one thing goes wrong. And then another. And another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight, the deeper you sink. Until you can't move... you can't breathe... because you're in over your head. Like quicksand.”

I didn’t understand this concept until I feel like I’m in over my head with life and I can’t breathe. I literally feel like a giant is sitting on my chest and I’m gasping for air.

Quicksand does not creep up on us. We step in it…whether deliberately or because we weren’t paying attention we end up putting ourselves in the position to sink.

Devil’s Snare. It’s a fictitious weed people get ensnared in. The more one struggles the faster and harder the weed will constrict. If one is calm and does not fret he has a greater chance of freeing himself.

Quicksand and Devil’s Snare are life altering situations that can make or break a person. Some people will resort to suicide just to avoid the suffering. Some will wallow in self pity…others will simply die waiting for help to arrive not realizing there was a tool available to assist them.

A couple of weeks ago we discussed worry and how it’s a sin and I was pleased to have this brought to light because many times in my life things will be going on and I hear, “Why aren’t you worried about this? What’s wrong with you?” I have never been a worrier. Why worry? Give it to G-d and He’ll take care of it. If it were in His nature He’d worry for you. :P

Matthew 6 is very clear on worry. Matthew 6: 25-34 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

We are told not to worry. We are told to take heart and allow for His gloury to work because it will. It is completely human nature to worry about things. Parent worry about their children, spouses worry about each other…adults worry about finances and whatnot. THIS. IS. SIN. We are told specifically NOT to worry.

Psalm 55:22 tells us to: Cast your cares on the L-RD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

Even when we do feel shaken we are to turn towards Him for relief, for peace, and for contentment so He will get the gloury for it.

I may be walking through a dark valley with a blindfold on, but He’s holding my hand and getting me through it.

Psalm 23:4 & 6 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the L-RD for ever.

Thank you Father…for everything You have ever done and everything I know You’re going to do. Your grace is full of mercy and for that I praise You.