But For the Strong of Spirit

“Soon we must all chose between what is right, and what is easy.” ~ Albus Dumbledore

(this was written Wednesday evening, that's why the time frame seems off)

No one ever said parenthood was for the faint of heart. In fact, I think the opposite proves true. Only the strong can survive, if they want to succeed. And even then it's a gamble. The biggest gamble known to man.

You see, we take this little life and teach it, and raise it, and mold it, so when its older it can become an adult and live and start the whole process over again. But from the moment the parents know of that child's existence, is when the true test of faith begins.

As I've mentioned in another entry, worrying is a sin. So as a parent our job is to have faith that not only will God grant us the strength and wisdom to raise our children, but to also grant our children the strength and wisdom to be the people they need to be. And to do all of this without worrying at all; placing everything we have and everything we are in His hands.

For those who know me well know I tend to be a more logical person than an emotional. So the last couple of days have been very trying on me. Bear with me as I get through this.

I can handle when my child is angry or disappointed in me. I'm okay when a door is slammed and “I HATE YOU!” is bellowed from the other side. I can even take it when sarcastic, biting comments are thrown my way. I have thick skin. Hit me with your best shot.

I cannot, and will not, take it when I'm told I have no faith and no confidence in my children. I do not accept it when I'm told that I'm unsupportive and a negative influence.

Not only does this COMPLETELY piss me off, but I learned it also breaks my heart. I have always been the number one cheerleader for my children. I have always stood behind them even when it seemed no one else would. There is NOTHING in this world that would ever convince me that my children are not brilliant, capable, exceptional men. Nothing. And to be accused of such a thing literally broke my heart. I didn't think it was possible.

All day I suffered through this. All day I felt like the ogre parent. And for many justifiable reasons IMO. As a mother I should be a comforter. A loving being whom my child can go to in times of trouble and strife. Not one who causes it. Instead, because I am a single parent I have the wonderful obligation to be the punisher. Not the comforter. So there's guilt there.

Then there was the strain in the relationship. I pride myself in having s close relationship with my children. Closer than most parents do. I chalk that up to the fact that we only have each other. And I only have them. I never felt like we had the typical parent/child relationship and always felt like I should be able to relate to them better than most parents relate to their children. Due to recent events there was a gap wedged there and that relationship is strained.

As I said earlier, all day I struggled with these emotions and all day a tornado swept through me. It wasn't until a dear friend hugged and prayed for me that I broke. Obviously it was what I needed when I needed it but man was it hard. But as she put it, I needed to do it when I was around people who loved me and not alone.

But it gave me a glimmer of hope. You see, I may go home alone with my child, and I may climb into an empty bed when I go to sleep, but all over this world, there are people out there who love me, who are praying for me, and who know me well enough to know just exactly where I stand with my children. That even though I'm a single parent and have to make these decisions on my own, there's a plethora of people out there who support me, rally behind me, and are there to encourage me should I seek it (and we all know I'm not really going to do that hahaha).

Tonight when I go to sleep, I'll sleep much better than I did last night. Tonight, when I sleep, I'll sleep knowing I'm not alone and that all is not lost. And while I sleep, I'll know that God is working on our hearts and our minds and our spirits...towards healing and perseverance.

You see, God gave me these particular children for a reason. And while I may not understand or like our circumstances, I will trust Him every step of the way. And if I stumble, I have the confidence to know someone else is there to catch me before I fall.

At the risk of sounding like an after school special, please don't forget about single parents. It's a hard, thankless, lonely place to be and rarely have anywhere to turn for emotional support. I got lucky because my friend was where God wanted her to be tonight but not everyone is as fortunate as I. And even though I got lucky this once, many more times do I suffer in silence.

A Girl Worth Fighting For!!!

A Girl Worth Fighting For!!!

We all know the song. They're marching off to battle and dreaming of a girl to appreciate their heroics; a girl worth fighting for. These men was to feel respected and special and brave, even in times of war.

But I have to wonder, are they asking for too little when seeking the girl worth fighting for? A pretty girl, an adoring girl, a girl who can cook.

And during that wondering I have to ponder if I'm a girl worth fighting for. I mean, I'm 35 years old and so far no ones fighting for me. :P Cory and Chris dueling to dance with me at the 50's dance at the youth center in 3rd grade don't count. ;)

So I'm thinking about myself, praying, listening to wisdom of those around me and realise yes, I am definitely worth fighting for.

First off, I'm a daughter of the King. This means I made the decision to pick up my cross and follow Jesus. I have decided that He is the master of my life and have accepted Him to live within me. I may not have always showed Him in my life or choices I've made but He's definitely present in my life.

Secondly because of this, He has taken care of the hard parts for me. You see, many think Christianity is a burden. So many rules, so many seemingly contradictions....they miss out on the best part: freedom.

Because of my freedom in Him I am free to love however little or much I chose without reservation. I have experienced the greatest love of all and can now love without expecting anything in return. Yes when I'm with someone I want him to love me, obviously, but that's not what I'm saying. I can enter into a relationship with my eyes and heart wide open and freely give all I can because I have already been loved so much. HIS love is what is perfect, not a mans.

Recently through an amazing person I have learned how truly special I am. I have learned to appreciate my intelligence like never before. I can see the beauty I have amidst all the flaws I feel I have to point out lest someone else beat me to it. I can hear my laughter and know that while some don't appreciate it, it makes me happy to know I still have joy and can express it with vigor. I can be ME and love every moment of it. Why did it take so long for me to see this? To see me? Because the world told me differently. Well, my Father proved to me the world is wrong. And it took someone else to show me the beauty of me.

So in this I have learned that yes, I am totally a girl worth fighting for. I'm just looking for a man worthy of that fight. How exciting this next journey of my life will be!!

Life's A Dance You Learn As You Go...

My evening has been full of clichés today. And one song keeps running through my mind.

Life's a dance you learn as you go
Sometimes you lead sometimes you follow
Don't worry about what you don't know
Life's a dance you learn as you go

And to be honest, I'm still dancing so I'm still learning. ^_^

Love is not a feeling. Love is a choice. So many people say, "I can't help who I love." I can't imagine not being happy with deciding to love someone. Love doesn't hurt. Love isn't confusing. Love isn't stressful. Love is beautiful and wonderful and hard and worth every drop of blood, sweat and tears.

For so long I believed my love was predestined. That someone was already picked out for me and all I had to do was wait for our eyes to open to each other and bam! We'd be together. Sounds simple and so idealistic. I even thought I knew who God chose for me and all I was doing was waiting for the right time for Him to say, "It's time. You may now love each other." how awkward is that? Especially if he doesn't get the same feeling from God that I do. I could be waiting forever! I actually have waited until he up and married someone else. Then I realized the fallacy of my thinking. Did it change though? No. I simply set my sights on someone else and waited.

Well, I'm not waiting anymore.

I have figured out that because love is a CHOICE that whomever I DECIDE to love will be the one destined for me. That whomever I decide to share my life with, who's life is shared with me, who loves me as much or more than I love him is the one I'm meant to be with.

Now, he may not fit what I thought to be the perfect image for me, but perfection is overrated. Does he love me? Yes. Does he love the Lord? Yes. Is he a hard worker willing to do what it takes to take care of his family? Yes. Does me make me want to be a better person? Every day. Do we want to do everything we can to make the other happy? Yes.

Life is not decided for us. Life is the choices we make and if we decide to rest on our morals and wait for the fairy godmother to appear with the perfect spouse, we're going to wait for a very long time. If we make the conscious decision to love someone whole heartedly and be with that person for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, rich or for poor...then who's to say it isn't right?
I think I got this mindset that "Well, if God wanted different he'd change it." Not necessarily so. God also gave us brains and a heart as well as the guidance of the Holy Spirit. He gave us the chance to make our own choices and allow Him to bless us.

Did God chose for me to be a single parent all of these years? No. But He did chose to bless me with two amazing men who love Him with every fiber of their beings. He did bless us with a roof over our heads, food on the table and clothes on our backs and when I couldn't provide for that He sent others to meet that need. Will God chose my husband? Probably not but He knows the choices I will make and knows that my heart is to serve Him and with my choice of husband it will be done.

There's a fine line between choice and defiance and I know I'm walking very close to it, but I'm trying not to; I don't want to deceive anyone by saying, 'well as long as you're happy God will bless you' because that's not true. But sometimes we have to step outside of our comfort zones and pursue life as we pursue Him.

I don't plan on being reckless with my life and rush around trying to find a husband. I also don't plan on sitting back passively waiting for someone to walk up to me and say, "God said I should marry you". I plan on living life to it's fullest and let God work His wonders. Who knows? I may surprise us all by picking someone totally unexpected until you see us together and then you say, "Wow. They truly are an amazing match!"

Life is a dance you learn as you go and I just learned to chose love instead of destiny.

What Do I Love???

What do I love more than money?

When I pondered upon this question one answer came to me: spending time with loved ones. I have such a passion and such a desire to surround myself with people I love and it doesn't (or shouldn't) cost anything.

Whether it's watching tv with the boys, or visiting with close friends, or vegging on the beach with girlfriends I'm quite happy to do it.

This was an important exercise for me because I have felt all consumed with the power of the almighty dollar. It has the power to render one homeless, or hungry, or lacking in education. It can aid in murder or salvation, thievery or generosity, love or heartbreak. It literally rules the world and we just stand by and watch with thunderous applause.

In order to keep from being swept up in that vicious tide these provoking questions are necessary to bring perspective back to ourselves and our goals. Since my goal is to live my life as a Christ follower and share His love and light with others, wouldn't it behoove me to put my money where my mouth is and make that change in myself?

So I may not be rolling in riches or affording the grandest of palaces I will remember my place in this world and where my richest will be cashed in.

Here’s a hint: they won't be cashed in here. Or anywhere else on earth.

So tomorrow when I wake I hope to take this lesson with me when I leave. I hope I remember the security and confidence I had when I fell asleep knowing there's no telling what tomorrow may bring.

Sherlock Tiberias Boone June 18, 2012 - April 23, 2014

"Sherlock has hopped over the rainbow bridge and into the arms of Jesus."

It was one of the longest days of my life. I was home with a non working car and did everything I could to feed and water Sherlock. He was pretty listless and didn't want a whole lot. By 1630 that evening I knew it was time. I wrapped him in a dish towel (sorry Mother!) and took him outside for some fresh air. We sat in a swing under the tree but the traffic was too loud and he jumped every time a car zoomed by.

I sat under the porch with him and just held him in my arms and rocked. Mind you I wasn't this calm about it and neither was he. He was gasping for his last breaths and I was bawling my eyes out trying to comfort him the best way possible. In all honesty, I thought about snapping his neck just to put him out of his pain and misery. I didn't though. A lack of courage or a show of allowing him to leave how he wanted to I'll never know...I do know it was horrible for the two of us.

One of the last things he heard was me singing, "Jesus loves the little bunnies...all of the bunnies of the world. Red and yellow, black and white and brown (because he is mostly brown), they are precious to his sight, Jesus loves the little bunnies of the world." and me telling him that when he gets to Heaven to make sure and snuggle with Jesus and wait for us because we'll be there one day with him.

I kept rocking him and then he was gone. My tears dried up and I knew I was sobbing not because of his death but because of his pain. As hard as it was for me to see him endure it I wouldn't have it any other way. He left this world loved and snuggled and made as comfortable as possible and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I still cry but only when I think about the pain and suffering he went through, not the loss of him. I miss him and I'm sad he's gone but everyone dies. It's a part of life and I rarely cry over the death of anyone or anything. But to go through pain to get to that death? It breaks my heart (and contrary to popular belief, I truly do have a heart) and I would rather suffer in their place.

He has returned to the ground from which he came from and I believe with all my heart he is binkying all over the place while gnawing on strawberry tops and iPhone cords. ;)

Binky free, Sherlock, and be ready to hop back into our arms when we join you again.

In memory of Sherlock Tiberias Boone: Temporarily in our lives, forever in our hearts.

He is Risen and it is Good! But Why?

Today is Easter!!! The celebration of Jesus rising from death and showing himself alive after being dead for three days!! Who doesn't get excited about that?? 

Before I tell you about my love for him and why I'm so excited today, let me give you back story. 

One of my biggest pet peeves of man is the lack of honour. It seems people have lost the concept of honour throughout time and we are getting worse every generation. Scripture tells us to allow your yes's be yes and your no's be no. In other words stick to what you say and do everything possible to keep your word. 

I'll be the first to admit I am HORRIBLE about this. I have the best intentions but as we all know the road to hell so paved with the best of intentions. I am human, I make mistakes and I struggle daily to not make the same mistakes. 

I live a pretty guarded life. I am selective about who I spend time with, I trust few people with my thoughts, and I tend to keep so much more to myself than probably necessary. People as a whole aren't bad; there's just bad choices and we are all guilty of that. I know that and am trying to open up more and more. It's a process but I'm trying. :)

I became as guarded as I am because I feel like people have been dishonourable to me. They haven't kept their word in matters that are important. "I'll love you forever." "Until death do us part." "I promise I'll never tell anyone."  "I'll love your children like my own." "We'll be friends forever." "You can trust me." Etc. etc. etc. You get the point. I decided as long as I didn't put my trust in someone else, I wouldn't get hurt. Or so I told myself. 

It was a very lonely existence and I learned it was just an existence. I wasn't alive. 

Then I remembered I was a child of God and had the love of Jesus in me. Jesus, the walking perfection who came from His throne in Heaven to live with mortal man and show them the way to His Father. 

He was perfect andHe still died on the cross like a common criminal. But His most glorious feat had yet to be accomplished. Three days later He came back from the dead and arose into the clouds to take His place by the father again. 

Do you know why this is so special to me? He kept His word. He told the disciples He would return and He did. In fact everything He said and everything He promised He stuck to or will. He's a man of His word and for that I will follow Him for the rest of my life. 

As for the rest of mankind? No one is perfect and if I make mistakes I have to accept mistakes in others. I'll put my trust in someone else eventually. It'll happen. ;) 

The Monster Doesn't Always Live Under Your Bed...

So I was feeling despondent about a year ago and decided to write my heart song. Pretty creepy when you think about it. :P

Anyway, I hear the one pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean when I read this;  only creepier. Not the pirate with one eye but his friend. :P

Hello?

Hello, poppet.

Are you home?

Are you there?

The monster wants to come out and plaaay. Come play with me.

Come run your fingers through my coarse green hair.

Stare into the emeralds of my eyes.

Let me feed you the blood that runs through my veins.

Yes…yes!

Feed on me.

Feel me.

Embrace me.

Be.

The.

Monster.

Be the monster you were meant to be.

Take all those pure notions and cast them out.

I am all that matters now and I want you to feed on me.

I want you to want me.

I want you to desire me.

I want to fill you with all of my essence and all of me.

Your pain is my passion.

Passion that is fed back to you with vigor and demand.

Passion that lights your eyes and sets your heart pounding.

You have no idea how I need you, do you?

You have no idea how my heart races when you are near.

You think you know me, but you don’t.

You don’t even know yourself.

You don’t even know how much your body craves my attentions.

You don’t understand how your heart aches to be filled with me.

You will never understand.

And I will never satiate you.

I will never satisfy the lust you have.

I will never soothe your soul with my presence.

I will curdle your heart and boil your blood to where you are nothing but me.

I am you.

Have you not noticed yet?

Do you not see me when you look in the mirror?

Do you not feel me when you touch yourself?

Do you not taste me on your lips with your tongue?

We are one.

And the more your heart hardens the more you crave me.

The more you crave me the more your heart will harden.

Soon, and very soon, by the time I’m done you will cease to exist.

I will be you and I will love it.

Look.

Look in the mirror.

Who do you see?

Hello, poppet.

It’s me.

Just As I Am

~*~ There will probably be some harsh language in this blog so if it offends you, please don't read it. I plan on being honest, blunt, raw and very open. If you read it and are still offended, please don't comment on it. I honestly don't care. You were warned. You didn't have to read it. - Katy ~*~

Today a coworker and I were talking and I mentioned it's been 10 years this month since my divorce. Well, shockingly my life is nowhere near where I thought it would be by now. I should be happily married for almost 8 years, have another child or two, live in a nice house that my husband and I bought together...you know...the works. I see so many people divorce and then get together with someone whom they end up marrying and wonder, 'Why couldn't I do that?' Looking back now I realise I was never ready for it and my previous choices were merely me settling for someone instead of picking someone worthy of me.

In recent polls (don't ask for numbers I can't tell you) the number one quality men ages 28-37 look for in a woman is confidence. Second is a nice rack and third is ability to quote the Rocky, Die Hard, and Terminator movies. All of them. I digress though.

Confidence.

Of course I can puff myself out and say, 'Pffft! I have tons of it! I'm good to go there!' while meekly sitting back watching my friends chat up the nice guys at the table next to us and merely sip my screwdriver.

Right. I'm confident.

So during my conversation with my friend (we were chatting via IM) I said three little words that changed my life forever. "I am fat."

Let me say that again just in case you missed it.

I. AM. FAT.

As I'm typing this to her my hands skim over the top of my head and I think absently to myself, "Damn my hair is silky!"

Wait a sec...

So I wrote back to her, "I AM fat, but I have amazing hair, great skin, gorgeous eyes, a beautiful smile, hourglass figure and big boobs. I'm pretty damn fabulous!"

Wait...what was that? Did I really just say that to myself? Let me try it again. Just to make sure I'm understanding.

I'M. PRETTY. DAMN. FABULOUS.

Yup. It's all there, the proof is in the pudding. I think I'm fabulous.

So while I'm marveling at my awesomeness a voice in my head says, "Well yeah, but you're also messy, horrible with money, temperamental, and a crazy ass Mexican. You have a lot of strikes against you too."

Seriously? We're going to start documenting the negatives while trying to focus on the positives? What kind of whack job are you???? (see crazy Mexican above)

So, being the LOGICAL thinker that I am (I can hear people barfing right about now) I decided to make a list. Pros and cons about myself. TRUE pros and cons about myself. Not those stupid (but true), "ZOMG! I don't eat anything that touches on the plate!" ones. But the heart and soul ones.

It ended up looking something like this.

CONS

• Fat
• Can be quite messy
• Pretty spoiled
• HORRIBLE with money. GREAT with spending it, shite with managing it.
• Argumentative
• Psycho when all the right buttons are pushed
• Not very adventurous unless pushed
• Sometimes take myself too seriously and ruin everyone's fun. I can't tell you how many times "RUINER!" has been shouted at me for not going along with things

 

 

 

PROS

 

• Love to do things for others but can't always so I end up praying for everyone. Just as important but I still feel impotent about it
• Wonderful confidant
• Laughs easily, even at myself (contradictory to a CON up there but it does exist. Promise!)
• Doesn't have to go out all fancy to be happy; a nice dinner at home with movies or a game night are just as spectacular
• Organised to the point of obsession. My house may need to be vacuumed but my markers are all colour coordinated
• Understand what it means to truly love the Lord with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind and all my strength and actually do it.
• Bloody brilliant and always up for a deep discussion.
• Very loyal. If I love you, I love you forever even if you hurt me. People from years ago are still in my heart and as much as I'd love to I can never think anything but fondness of them. But those who haven't hurt me? I love so deeply and so earnestly.
• Wicked awesome hair. Seriously. It's soft, silky, smooth, a gorgeous natural colour, and pretty long. Yay!
• Pretty brown eyes. Who doesn't love a brown eyed girl? :P
• Great smile! I love hearing people compliment my smile. I know they're omitting the fat cheeks but at least the smile is still there. :)
• A willingness to serve even if I don't feel confident about it. Sometimes the act means more than the reasoning and I have learned this the hard way.

 

 

Honestly, I could go on forever, with both lists but I'll stop here. A few things I've noticed. First, there is only one physical con whereas there are THREE physical pros. That's important to someone with little to no self-esteem.

 

Secondly, the negative list? Not life changers. I mean, is the world going to end if my house isn't Martha Stewart perfect? No. Will my existence cease if I forget about the Lord and His love? The existence I know, yes. Will I die if I don't balance my budget perfectly? No. I might go hungry a few days but I won't die. What kind of person will I be if I stop being there for other people, whether it be as a listening ear or to help them with a problem?

 

Lastly, the positive list is longer than the negative list and much less superficial.

 

So in retrospect I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about the situation my life is in. I may not be the most gorgeous woman in the world, or the most put together, but dammit I'm pretty bloody awesome and if people can't see that, then fuck them. Seriously. They can fuck off because I can guarantee there are other people out there who see ME and know ME and LOVE ME!

 

Just as I am.

 

I decided I wasn't going to mess with dating or relationships for the rest of the year so I could focus on my children. It's a big year for them I don't want to ruin it by submitting them to my dating drama. Not to mention it's an emotional year for me and I don't feel like sharing those emotions with anyone who hasn't been around to appreciate them.

 

I feel like I was meant to take this year off and this is one of the biggest reasons why. I have that much more time to learn and as long as I understand the words I am writing and adhere to them, I will be in a much better position to start dating at the ripe ol' age of 36 then I am now as a young 35.

 

 

Psalm 139:14 (The Message): I thank you, High God, you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation!

Replay, replay, replay...

I love music. One of my favourite songs is bittersweet. I listened to it a lot for one line when a boyfriend and I were planning a wedding, Someday I'm gonna make you my wife...I used to get goose bumps (would you like-a to feel mah goose-a bumps LOL) just thinking about being his wife.

Well...all's well that end's well. :P We're not getting married, I'm not going to be his wife, but I still enjoy the song. One part of the song stands out at me right now.

Shawty's like a melody in my head
That I can't keep out, got me singin' like
Na, na, na, na everyday
It's like my iPod's stuck on replay, replay

Though the circumstances may be different it seems that we're living the same situations over and over again. Our iPod of life is definitely stuck on replay. :P

Weeks ago I was living in fear (and sin) because of my life circumstances and I could not drag myself out of my own dispair. The L-rd showed me a way out and it was only then I was able to breathe right again. I should have just realised that He was going to show me a way out to begin with and saved myself all the stress.

During this trial my 11 year old son kept patting my head and telling me that everything was going to be okay, G-d wasn't going to make us live in a box, and if He did it was be a nice box. :) . His faith and his strength got me through this trial and I thank G-d for him everyday. He's a good kid. :D

Now this same child is going through a trial that isn't a big one, but to his 11 year old heart it is. He cries himself to sleep, he worries with the deep concentration of an 80 year old man, and one can almost hear his heart breaking.

Ecclesiastes 1: 8-10 tells us, All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing. What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. Is there anything of which one can say, “Look! This is something new”? It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time.

Someone else has been through the exact same trials as Jordan. Someone else has felt the same pain he's dealing with. Someone else has gotten through this trial and whether it was with His guidance or not I don't know. But he got through it. Jordan is luckier than some people. He has the promise that through Yeshua he can get through all things. And he has the promise that G-d will never leave him nor forsake him. And he has the assurance that no matter what happens in his 11 year old life, G-d is in control and He will not fail him. How lucky is Jordan!?

I just wish Jordan would focus on this more than the trial he's going through. He has no clue how easy things are going for him now and if he could just focus on that... Guess I should save that advice for myself, huh? :P Well, Jordan, with G-d's guidance got me through my trials so I, with G-d's guidance, am going to get Jordan through his. What kind of mommy would I be if I didn't? :)

My final words are for Jordan only and somday he'll see this and know exactly what I'm talking about and realise how amazing G-d truly is. :)

I love...dew.

Quicksand

One of my favourite movies is The Replacements starring Keanu Reeves. There are so many wonderful lines from that movie.

“Keep them from shaking their ass for two minutes!”

“Clifford Franklin is looking for a new ho!”

“California oranges, Texas cactus. We think your team needs a little practice!”

“Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory…is forever.”

“Red means STOP.”

“I love to see a fat guy score…you get a fat guy spike and a fat guy dance.”

I could go on and on. I never tire of this movie. :P

One thing that always gets to me about this movie is the locker room talk. Coach McGinty writes on the chalkboard in big letters FEAR and asks the players to discuss their fears.

The answers start of humourous…spiders, bees, heights…etc., etc. Then one person pipes up and says “quicksand”.

At first everyone’s thinking the literal quick sand in the jungles. Then the coach asks for clarification.

In the words of the player, Shane Falco, “You're playing and you think everything is going fine. Then one thing goes wrong. And then another. And another. You try to fight back, but the harder you fight, the deeper you sink. Until you can't move... you can't breathe... because you're in over your head. Like quicksand.”

I didn’t understand this concept until I feel like I’m in over my head with life and I can’t breathe. I literally feel like a giant is sitting on my chest and I’m gasping for air.

Quicksand does not creep up on us. We step in it…whether deliberately or because we weren’t paying attention we end up putting ourselves in the position to sink.

Devil’s Snare. It’s a fictitious weed people get ensnared in. The more one struggles the faster and harder the weed will constrict. If one is calm and does not fret he has a greater chance of freeing himself.

Quicksand and Devil’s Snare are life altering situations that can make or break a person. Some people will resort to suicide just to avoid the suffering. Some will wallow in self pity…others will simply die waiting for help to arrive not realizing there was a tool available to assist them.

A couple of weeks ago we discussed worry and how it’s a sin and I was pleased to have this brought to light because many times in my life things will be going on and I hear, “Why aren’t you worried about this? What’s wrong with you?” I have never been a worrier. Why worry? Give it to G-d and He’ll take care of it. If it were in His nature He’d worry for you. :P

Matthew 6 is very clear on worry. Matthew 6: 25-34 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

We are told not to worry. We are told to take heart and allow for His gloury to work because it will. It is completely human nature to worry about things. Parent worry about their children, spouses worry about each other…adults worry about finances and whatnot. THIS. IS. SIN. We are told specifically NOT to worry.

Psalm 55:22 tells us to: Cast your cares on the L-RD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

Even when we do feel shaken we are to turn towards Him for relief, for peace, and for contentment so He will get the gloury for it.

I may be walking through a dark valley with a blindfold on, but He’s holding my hand and getting me through it.

Psalm 23:4 & 6 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the L-RD for ever.

Thank you Father…for everything You have ever done and everything I know You’re going to do. Your grace is full of mercy and for that I praise You.

What am I really worth?

So I'm lying in bed tonight distraught because I haven't heard from Chad. Again.

He works so hard, and does so much that I don't begrudge him this at all. I understand how life works and I'll be honest...there have been times I've been too busy to talk to him too. That's just the way things work sometimes.

The problem isn't that he's busy; the problem is I feel such self doubt in myself about it.

How can I be a child of the King and and heir of His Kingdom but feel so unworthy and unloved here on earth? How can I continue to go through life and distrust everyone I meet?

There are times when I want to break up with Chad because I don't feel I'm ready to accept what he feels for me. He tells me how he feels, he shows me how he feels, and yet...I still doubt it. How can someone love so much about me when I can't see what he sees?

Why is this? What is so wrong with me that I can't even accept love when it's given to me?

There have been times in my life when I felt that nothing on this earth would change with my disappearance and I still hold to that thought. I know for sure it will be horrible for Jordan so I don't even think about leaving everyone. If I did I would just take him with me and run away to Egypt or something. :P

I know there are verses upon verses in the Bible that tells how much He loves us and never once do I doubt it. My doubt comes from those here on earth.

I have no clue what to do about this...*sigh* I do know if I don't figure it out soon I'm going to kill a great relationship and lose someone who could be very dear to me.

Not to mention it's a horrible example for my children. How can I teach them to love themselves when I don't even love myself? Or feel there are those who love me?

I have learned many hard lessons about love and brick walls and hiding myself from those who do love me. Chad had the guts and the desire to get through that wall of mine and now that he's inside he doesn't want to leave...I don't want him to leave either. So I wonder...in my quest to keep others out have I done too good of a job?

This weeks quandry...how to figure out what I'm really worth: not only in Heaven but here on earth.

Think OUTSIDE the box!

I learned tonight why I have such a hard time reading the gospels.

I am a linear thinker and can't think outside the box. How does Yeshua preach? In parables! Yikes! I can't think that way. All I can do is see His words and take them literally.

I was sitting in life group tonight and listening to everyone give examples to the parables and each time someone said something I was like, "ooooohhhhhh...THAT'S what that meant."

Yes...my IQ dropped a few points tonight. *rolling my eyes*

I hear frequently that I need to think outside the box more and this is one wonderful example as to why.

This could also be why Jordan has such a grasp on scripture because he can take what he reads and hears and apply it accordingly.

Lucky. :P

So do you have something hindering your ability to read and understand scripture? What do you do about it? What do you plan to do about it?

^_^

Down on My Knees

It's funny how I cruise through life and thank G-d everyday for all of the blessings He's given me, but for some odd reason I don't prostrate myself to Him until I feel I have to.

I talk to Him daily, I listen to His guidance, and I follow His voice even when I completely disagree.

I pray daily for wisdom when I become my own worst enemy but somehow or another my ears shut and my heart is void.

When my back is to the wall and my toes are hanging off the edge of the cliff I know that when I fall He will catch me or give me wings to fly.

Why do I allow myself to get to that point? Why do I push myself to that far limit only to face the extreme?

Many of the problems in my life are self inflicted. I go wide eyed into situations and just "pray" them away because I know He is there for me and no matter what happens He will get the praise and gloury for everything He does.

I have learned this week what it feels like to be a terrible parent. Not by attitude or neglect, but by lack of guidance and setting a poor example.

I have relied on His grace to set me free and sometimes it's not that easy. Sometimes our sins will take hold of us and we face consequences we never thought possible.

My heart breaks to know that because of my lack of restraint and inability to seek wisdom and guidance not only from Him, but from those He places in my life that my children will suffer greatly.

How is that acceptable to any parent? How are my actions acceptable?

I have a wonderful relationship with my Father and somehow or another I just can't seem to swallow myself and allow Him to guide me the way I need to follow.

I trust Him, I believe Him, I know He is the Almighty and I love Him with all my heart.

I know that no matter what happens G-d will take care of my children and I know He will continue to love me.

I have sinned by not accepting my responsibilities and by living carefree when I should have been careful.

I will not sin by fearing my future because no matter my mistakes He will provide our needs and whether that's where we are now, or somewhere else it will be for His gloury.

Brothers and sisters, keep us in your prayers. Keep me in your prayers.

It shouldn't take a shock like this for me to straighten up but I'm learning more and more when it comes to those I love I live in denial.

I deny my need to be honest with myself, I deny others the truth of my heart, and I deny us all the peace we could have if I would just open up.

Father, I open my heart and mind up to you. I pray that you will place your comforting hand on the boys through this trial and fill me with wisdom and humility to accept the consequences of my sin.

You are an amazing G-d and I want to do you proud as your Princess. Please don't just give me wisdom Father, please help me to accept it and use it throughout my life. Help me to better weigh out consequences so that I am a better steward of your blessings.

Please allow me to take this opportunity to teach the boys that material things are not all they're cracked up to be and the desire to possess more is just like worshiping a false idol.

Father, as your daughter I come to you on my knees, humble and ashamed of the cloud I have placed over my family.

Thank you for the love and grace you have already given us, and for the mercy and love you will show us as we pass this hurdle.

Remind me daily that to be on my knees when I have nowhere else to go is not the only time to be on my knees. Should I do this daily I would not keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Fill me with the desire to spend more than just the time I already spend with you and to focus more on you than what's going on around me.

I love you my Father and I am so sorry for all the sins I have comitted throughout this ordeal. I so want to do better but I have no clue where to start. Please point me in the right direction.

I seek all of this and your will be done in your son Yeshua's name...

Amen.

School Days...everyone is learning; even Mommy

School has started and something amazing has happened. Quinton refuses to miss anything for fear of having daaays worth of homework. He is taking sophomore geometry, Spanish I, and other accelerated classes. He loves school and wants nothing more than to succeed. He can do it too. He has the drive, which his mother never had. :P

Jordan had a rough first couple of days but his teacher was more than pleased to say that talking to him was like talking to another adult. For those of you who know my boys you know that they don't act like normal children. They don't talk like normal children. I never let them do that. I still don't. Don't get me wrong, they're still boys and they still act like boys but they are so much more than that.

Quinton looks so far into the future that he knows what he wants to go to school for, he knows what he has to do to achieve that, and he is always looking for more and more ways to succeed.

Jordan is a very practical thinker. He looks so far outside the box that it baffles even adults. We have deep questioning discussions about life, scripture, people, history, and the difference between fantasy and reality.

This is why I never worried too much about what fiction characters the boys were and are into. I know they have a deep connection to reality, again, unlike their mother, and they are sometimes the ones to pull me out of the clouds. Nothing more humbling than a 9 year old saying, "Mum...you know that's not real, right?" :P

And for me...well, my 30's are being good to me...so far. I am still in deep denial about having turned 31 (I'm only claiming 27) but someone said with age comes wisdom. Who am I to deny myself this wisdom?

I still feel like we are wondering through life like the Hebrews wondered through the desert, but I'm doing my best to keep my eye on the goal and not so much the journey. Matthew 7 says small is the gate and narrow the path to those who follow it. Unfortunately we have a tendency to broaden our path and put more road blocks in it than it needs. How silly of us! Why would we do this? Why must we insist on doing things the hard way?

I always tell my parents that I want to make my own mistakes and my own decisions but I'm learning...why? What am I proving that I can royally screw my life up by doing it my own way?

Yeshua never promised us an easy journey but He did give us a way to walk that journey with Him.

The boys and I are looking into the Messianic culture and I hope to learn a lot about Elohim and His history, His people, and His feasts.

Come on folks...I was raised Baptist; what better group of people to learn about feasts? :P

First Day

So the boys have gone on vacation and I decided hey...we need a blog. So I started one and they're not here to gripe about it! Nay nay nay nay nay! *grin*

It's the simple things in life. :D

We really lead a fairly boring life so this will basically be "stuff" I don't feel like posting on myspace or facebook (which now that I think about it, I post a lot of stuff there...) or it could just be whatever is on my mind. *shrug* We'll see.

Keep an eye on the link though; never know when we have something new pop up! :D